Stuck in a Jar of Tar
Sometimes we can feel so very stuck. Especially when Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria or RSD (https://autismunderstood.co.uk/co-occurring-conditions/rejection-sensitivity-dysphoria/) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bonc8qtj0y4) grabs a hold. RSD seems to have this extra boost of power and when ignited it can take even the hardiest of us to a place we really do not want to go. It can keep us there for a highly uncomfortable amount of time, that's if we even escape its clutches.
For me, it is like being plucked and pushed down into a cramped tight jar of dark sticky tar. I can struggle against it, but it's weight is so heavy sometimes that no reasoning or logic can help me escape.
Initial flight and then trying to apply logic tends to be my style of escape or survival. My go-to weapon of choice against the uncomfortable feelings is logic. I like logic, it feels firm and tangible, and I trust it. When I get that pang of introjected shame like "it's your fault", "you have done it wrong", "you are a burden" (those familiar statements for neurodivergent people) then I apply the logic. The work I have done to understand myself, the conditions, the shame that I endure and so I know logically why I have those thoughts and feelings. I've done a lot of work to understand them, to delve into why, to be aware of when they come, and to forgive. But sometimes, usually when you least expect it, something or someone can inflict and ignite such a deeper sense of shame or confusion that easily triggers RSD and really taps into trauma brain. That logic falls by the wayside and you can quickly get consumed and stuck in that jar of tar.
So sometimes these places of stuckness need an extra shimmy. Today I was grateful for my husband sending me a link to a song I love. My push to cover up my RSD was clearly not working!
Just that click of the playlist shifted something. Despite my mind relaying the incident that had caused such a fall and doubt in me, the music penetrating my ears gave me different feelings and thoughts about myself to the ones RSD was so kindly giving me. I also remembered my somatic and polyvagal knowledge and training. I wasn't going to move things on with just thought and logic, I needed to soothe my senses, soothe my nervous system to allow my mind-body to be in a comfortable state to even start to accept my usual logic techniques.
Multicoloured strobed lighting beaming down
So I started to dance, moving my body in crazy jerky ways that probably looked utterly ridiculous but it's what my body was telling me I needed, it’s what my nervous system needed. This change in environment from the sounds and the movement of my body started to shift me, out of the sticky jar of tar. I started to get back in touch with the real inner me. The child in me, the core of me - however you want to see it.
RSD is great at tapping instantly into those childhood raw scars. Those traumas we felt as children all ignite, and we feel it all again, so painfully, so exposed. It brings us back to a child-like state. So what does that child need? What did they need as children but didn't get? Understanding, acceptance, care, love? I realised I need to not push my inner child aside, I can't always reason or use logic with a child. I needed to embrace this child, listen and show some damn love and care. I did that at that moment listening to this track by Too Many Zooz "Brasshouse Vol 7 no 68" (https://open.spotify.com/track/1EY165ZgmhMzAJ7xk6JZHN?si=5249e65c50b546ca ) on mega loud!
Dancing, jumping, being silly, I cried hard. But bloody hell did I feel better afterwards!
Talking is great, logic is incredibly useful, understanding the pathway that causes the trauma is essential. But sometimes you also just need to welcome and engage that inner child and show it some love and acceptance. Showing the body, the nervous system love and acceptance. For me, I know it is usually always music that is like washing up liquid breaking up that tar that had me so stuck. For others it's art, dance, sport etc usually something creative that brings us back to our child self that is so hurt. Then once we have found them, compassion, perhaps some logical understanding of why we feel the way we do and sometimes lots and lots of outrageous dancing and bouncing!!
