Fizz & Frazzle of Celebrations
It is my birthday next week. A "big one"..whatever that means. My concept of birthdays is not typical. I find it confusing that we celebrate them, and why does a mark of another decade mean more than any other year..? Anyway…!..
In my head this week I've been whirling around potential happy and joyful reactions, scripting heartfelt thank yous, imagining authentic smiles of gratitude, and generally being a little fatigued by the many changes that occur at this time of year in the UK (Halloween, fireworks, remembrance, changing of the clocks..).
I can't switch off from imagining, recreating, and scripting when it comes to any celebrations. You see, I know I need to prepare. I need to prepare for the unknowns. I need to start processing the many potentials. It is all about the abundance of synaptic connections in my autistic nervous system, knowing I will be picking up on all the detail of my environments and have to meticulously process any change to the norm, bottom-up processing, and my monotropic way of being.
Change isn’t easy for me you see. It is a lot! It can be overwhelming. I also don’t like any attention on me, especially if it requires a reaction in the moment. So I need to prepare.
It is highly likely that I will in fact, be genuinely incredibly thankful, joyful, happy, surprised at anyone kind enough to wish me well or give a card/gift on my birthday. But, I also have a lifetime of feeling or being told that I am not deserving. So I also have the added emotions of guilt, bewilderment, shame, embarrassment, and shock.
The extra expectations from society that I should look a certain way, say certain things when opening presents, which might not be my natural way of behaving or communicating also gives me such anxiety, real fear.
Look again at that abundant myriad of complex emotions. All those many feelings, all firing away in one moment of opening a gift or someone saying happy birthday. It is a lot to process for anyone, but when you have a detailed nervous system, when you have a lifetime of feeling different, wrong in the way that you communicate or behave, when you have an abundance of shame dust constricting your authentic way of being.. it is a hell of a lot to deal with!
What can happen in these moments? My mindbody (because they are one) shuts down. It goes into survival mode, because it can not possibly process it all.
So my reactions might be nothing at all. My words might not come out.
To the gift giver, I can look like I don't appreciate their gift, I am not thankful, not happy, I look "rude". When the opposite is likely happening, and likely true. Yet, I just can not express it because my nervous system is so affected it sends messages to my brain that I am in ‘danger’.
I am either silent or I manage to rather unsuccessfully mask. Again, survival brain kicking in. I try my best to push the reaction I know I want to convey, yet my mindbody is working so hard to process all those emotions, hold down the anxiety, work out my environment, develop an appropriate reaction (that's not too over the top but not too underwhelming), somehow seem genuine in it all. So it comes out as a sort of sarcastic "thank you" as I quickly put the present down and avoid looking at anyone, completely embarrassed and fatigued (so many times I've done this, and haven’t been able to go back to the person and explain what was happening!)
With those that understand me and I have felt comfortable enough to talk this through, none of that happens. Just expressing all of the above to someone safe and validating gets it out and so the pressure is lifted to a degree. The anxiety dissolves slightly. I know whatever my reaction, it's going to be ok really. My nervous system is calmer, I can be more authentic, I can process easier when my mindbody feels safe, and my reactions are usually heartfelt and real. Or if it is too overwhelming and I shut down, it doesn’t last for long. I feel safe to regulate, go get some space, and come back to it. AND most importantly, I get less of the waves of shame that so often accompanies these moments.
But I know we can't always be that open with everyone in our lives. It is not always possible to feel safe enough in our environments to express all that goes on in our heads. We so often have many experiences of being our authentic selves, but are met with unkind, shaming, punishments. So we awkwardly mask, we awkwardly get through, and then spend the next weeks, months, years, berating ourselves for our reactions.
I'm not writing this with any solutions I'm afraid! Any celebration for me is really hard, including those with the focus not on me. Routine is disrupted, food different, pressure, expectations, ALL the emotions. However, I am thankful of being aware of it all now. Aware of those things that cause my nervous system to work harder, to potentially fizz and frazzle. Because awareness gives me choice to a degree. I can also look after that fizzed and frazzled nervous system a bit better. I can listen and respect the need for more alone time, more quiet, earlier nights. To communicate to my family that things I could deal with last week might not be what I can deal with this week. To remind those that I feel safe enough to do so, that my reactions might not be what they expect, or it might take me longer to process and communicate my thanks.
With any realisations about ourselves, as neurodivergent folk, it is so important that those around us give us belief and validation. This enhances our ability to keep safe, to keep boundaries, it gives us support for our stress state to recover more quickly. It enables us to experience more as our mindbody will be in a calmer state, more able to process all those changes, all those emotions.
As I say (rather a lot) let us meet each other, and ourselves, with curiousity and connection.
