Belief and Disbelief
This is a piece I wrote forJade Farringtons Spotlight substack series for their Neurodiversity Newsletter - do subscribe if you can. Full of wonderful information and resources.
When I was a little girl, I would spend hours exploring our local woods. I would wholeheartedly believe that tiny communities of fairies and pixies lived in the curled up leaves, their houses were the little mushrooms in the undergrowth and cupped fungi up the side of the bark of trees. I imagined they would gather every evening under the light of the moon and share stories of ancient fairylands, sing folk songs using tiny twigs and drops of dew as instruments. They would sleep under tuffets of moss and have wondrous healing powers to connect nature together. It was a strong belief, and I know it helped me greatly to take myself into these worlds, and out of ‘reality’.
I would share these stories with my late Uncle John, as we would take many of these woodland walks together. The incredible artist he was, he would create these wonderful worlds that our monotropic minds would delve into and bring them further to life in his artwork. Although his adult interpretation was far more vivid and scary for me as a child. Yet I adored that he entered into my belief of a different world.
His belief mattered.
He was one of the rare few in my life who didn't automatically shut down my beliefs. He accepted them. Yes he knew this was imaginary, as I likely did as well, but it didn't matter. His belief showed acceptance, care, and understanding.
One of my Uncle’s artworks: “The Tree Nymph” by John Solomon. A picture of bramble and trees in dark wood with a golden naked tree nymph rising out of one of the branches.
Belief and Disbelief is Complex for Neurodivergent Folk
Belief and disbelief is something that has come up in so many ways for me and for many of my clients. Presently, even more so, as we are navigating a time which feels, well, pretty unbelievable, shocking, frustrating, fearful and sad. It causes a huge disbelief within me, and yet I know I must face into that disbelief and see the realities of what is happening for our precious neurodivergent community and for the world.
Belief and disbelief is complex for many neurodivergent folk. It is not clear, because our beliefs are so often misunderstood, shut down, or ignored. So it can feel pretty tricky to grasp what is real for us.
“It’s not that bad”
I have very distinct memories and indeed pictures (as below) of me closing my eyes and putting hands over my ears, because my environment was just too much, too painful sometimes. I also have distinct memories of being punished for doing so. My parents would, I guess, try to soothe or reassure me by saying “It's not that bad.” My teachers had a different approach and would tell me off for being rude or would send me out of the class. Both of these responses conditioned me to disbelieve my truth. They conditioned my brain to stop listening to my nervous system. They conditioned me to not express my distress for fear of being not believed, punished, rejected, shamed.
Neurodivergent people are very quickly conditioned to disbelieve our own triggers or overwhelm. Communicating our distress for so many of us, is tricky at best. Often I didn’t have the words, but could only act by putting my hands over my ears like in the picture below. As described, this was always met with disbelief. That disbelief took over my own truth and I ended up believing the external message of “It’s not that bad.”
Me with my hands over my ears as a 5 year-old child
“She’s fine here, it must be a home problem”
As an adult and mother to two neurodivergent children, I have encountered more disbelief from neuronormative society - and from those that should believe and care - than I could ever imagine.
I have had the all-too-common experience of the education system disbelieving my daughter’s diagnosis, her needs, her distress. Using gaslighting and manipulation to make me believe it all must be my fault. My pleas, my masking to desperately try and be heard, to be believed, were often met with rejection and shame. “She’s fine here, it must be a home problem,” is a sentence I know not only my ears have heard.
The disbelief I have experienced over the treatment of so many neurodivergent children and families by not only the education, but the health and benefits systems. Systems set up to care and support, but all too often their disbelief and reluctance to believe, seem to cause huge distress, further shame, and perpetuate unwarranted blame.
So much disbelief in our lives takes its toll and leaves its marks. Just like when I was a child and no one took the time to connect and believe in my distress, the experiences we have as adults can sometimes misshapen, cement and complicate this internal belief system.
We disbelieve ourselves. It can be hard to untangle what are our true feelings, and what is external shame. We can look purely externally into our decision making as we have been told or shown not to decide for ourselves. Trusting others can feel like a trauma in itself, because we no longer can determine what is real and what isn’t. We can lose our internal trust and belief.
“I believe you”
I must thank the wonderful Jill Holly here. Towards the end of my training I started therapy with her. My first experience with a neurodivergent therapist and also knowing I was neurodivergent myself. I had experienced therapy before and worked through a lot but it was Jill who said “I believe you.” I can't even remember what about now, but the context doesn’t matter. It was her belief. Because Jill said it in such an authentic way, I felt properly heard, properly understood, and properly believed. This was another autistic person, meeting another autistic person with genuine and authentic belief. The thought, I notice in myself now, still brings me a tear.
Because genuine belief is a beautiful thing. Belief is a rare thing I find for so many neurodivergent people. But opening that door can bring so much clarity, relief, joy, validation and in turn can open the door to reconnect with the belief in ourselves.
Understanding our authentic selves and believing in our way of being can mean that we can also start to advocate for ourselves. We can start to connect and look after ourselves.
“Not fitting in can be hard, being excluded when you want to belong. But when you realise that what you are excluded from are the very structures that are denying people the opportunity to experience the reality of the world of which they are a part, it can become a privileged position, a birds eye view of the divided terrain.” - James Aldridge
You see, once we can start to shake off that external shame dust that we have been forced to inhale. Once we can start to break down that constrictive neuronormative view. If we can start to reconnect with our mindbody. Our sense of belief can become stronger. Even connecting with that disbelief, can help to ignite our authentic belief system. Feeling and connecting with all the emotions and body reactions that rise up with both disbelief and belief - it is all part of reconnecting with our truth, our mindbody.
A tree covered in gorgeous green moss during my walk in the woods.
What is your belief?
I took a walk yesterday in the woods. I felt the trees, I noticed the frost on the tips of leaves. I saw a flurry of snowdrops emerging under the rusty leaves. I thought I saw a shiny glistening glimmer fly past... Maybe it was a fairy?
Reconnecting with what is real to us, what is helpful, our glimmers, ourselves, can be so useful in reconnecting with our truth, our beliefs and disbeliefs. Noticing how it feels within our bodies, if we can. Believing in that feeling.
As I found within my own therapy and what I always strive to give to my clients is validation in that journey of reconnection of ourselves. Genuine, authentic validation - not the superficial kind! But true belief in my clients as they rediscover and reconnect.
“I feel we are moving further away from embodied connections with each other; we are losing our primordial affinity with nature and drifting further from coherence, harmony, and the humanised ecology of care that we need (Bettin).” - Helen Edgar
The world is currently full of disbelief. Full of disconnection and that only ignites our threat systems and responses. So, where you can, let us reconnect. Let us create, be curious, let us care and connect with ourselves and others.
“Understanding difference and diversity of the human bodymind and the union of mind, body and the nonmaterial (however defined) is what we need to restore wellness.” - Kay Louise Aldred
Having a highly detailed nervous system can be pretty overwhelming - let’s face it, a lot of the time in this world! However, when we reconnect with it, and shake off the disbelief (shame dust) it can be a truly wonderful way of helping us to regulate. That picture above is a sure fire way for me to reconnect and tune into my beliefs, tune into what I find to be real.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I adore moss! It is partly because I find it so beautiful, it is partly because it lets me create fantastical bright and vivid ‘other worlds’ in my head that my monotropic mind can fall into and create flow. It is partly because it is highly detailed, and that processing all its molecular detail gives my detailed nervous system joy.
“Our nervous systems are deeply connected. We are embodied spirits, everything is connected. Interfaces limit our humanity. They are non-living anthropocentric machines. We evolved to be fully present with each other. This is what we know and feel deep down in our hearts.” - Jorn Bettin
My hope for the neurodivergent community is that we continue to believe in ourselves. That we connect deeply with our beliefs and disbeliefs and honour all, because it all matters. We engage and have more opportunities to delve into our truth, our authentic way of being, our glimmers and joy. When the world is so full of disbelief, that we can support and connect with each other and be able to authentically validate our beliefs. To allow connection to take the place of control.
Recommended reading
A Queer Path to Wellbeing - James Aldridge
Bottom Up Processing, Bodymind Difference - Kay Louise Aldred
The Double Empathy Problem is DEEP - Helen Edgar
The Ability to Relate Deeply is the Inability to Conduct Transactional Busyness - Jorn Bettin
