My tears are becoming like the sea - the internal meltdown

I have seen a lot written about meltdowns but they always read far too linear for me. Because like with most things autistic, they are incredibly complex and incredibly unique to the individual.

Meltdowns are not always external or destructive or violent.
Meltdowns can also be accompanied by shutdowns.
And for a lot of us, meltdowns are experienced internally to a greater degree first or just completely internal. We dare not show anyone how we are feeling or what we are experiencing because the shame dust is so great, it pushes it down!

Meltdowns for me, have often been an internal bubbling and/or explosion(s) before I even show any kind of expression or feeling externally. I was conditioned to hide my emotions, any emotions even if I was experiencing joy, and so showing anything externally has historically been very tricky for me to do. It's taken therapy and practice to allow and give myself the safety needed to experience and open the external door to emotions.

Even when I don't want to, I can still find myself pushing down fear, sadness, anger, even happiness, for the shame I have encountered has been so great that it can still take over allowing my nervous system, my mind, and body to do just what it naturally needs to do.

During a meltdown I experience internal feelings and sensations that are often consuming and overwhelming in themselves and I can quickly get into a cycle of meltdowns/shutdowns that propel me into a burnout state.

My heart hurts, I find myself pushing down tears so much that its physically painful, my muscles clench throughout my body, my mind feels like it is an exploding volcano, my throat aches, my stomach aches with fear and nervousness, my blood pumps so rapidly around my body it, sometimes I experience a ringing in my ears. It is like I am violently dissolving from the inside. I can almost feeling my nervous system zapping and fireing. I often can not speak. I can not move. Sometimes my vision goes blurry and I find it hard to breathe. My mind races with a mix of fearful judgements, self shaming, careful conscious and unconscious planning of how I hold back the emotions.. of how I survive.

For the most part the external view is often that I seem a bit "moody", "off", "vague", which have been some of the remarks. Moody is a common one to be directed my way and sometimes I still get that unjust and actually sexist remark, when inside I felt like I am gasping for air, like I am melting in a sea of fire and fog, like my heart is screaming to be rescued! To be in a trauma state and be kept there by unsafe invalidating remarks like "moody" just propels and keeps you stagnant and stuck in that stress cycle. (Trauma geek)

I recognise I am priviledged to have had the opportunity to do the work on what my mindbody needs to recover after a meltdown. Also, to recognise my triggers and so fortunately meltdowns are now pretty rare.
After I have managed to soothe my nervous system to a level where I can communicate, it is highly unlikely I will be able to verbally communicate what was wrong. I have to write it down, send a text..or hey, blog about it! I know from my own experiences and those of my clients, that there is a need to explain a meltdown both from external parties and for the person who has had a meltdown - but I need people to know that is sometimes impossible to do!

When externally I seem "ok" again, I have days, weeks, sometimes months, and years where that meltdown will haunt me. Where the emotions will rise up again, where I will be circling thoughts about it all, the judgements, the self-shaming, processing, re-processing, and re-processing that environment (where, when, how), and feelings of that meltdown. Having a monotropic mind means that I don’t tend to let things go very easily! It doesn't just pass because I’m not crying anymore! It takes time, patience, and a huge amount of internal and external validation to recover.

And about that external validation.. I will be incredibly tentative and full of anxiety about seeing anyone who witnessed the meltdown. If they are a safe person like my husband, he knows to expect a full interrogation about what he genuinely thinks about me now he has seen me in that way. I will need persuasion and evidence to convince me that people were not judging me, that they still like me enough to have in their lives!! Rejection sensitivity is a huge part of many autistic peoples lives and experiencing a meltdown and/or shutdown can ignite it massively.

The list of the complexities could go on, but as I said at the beginning, meltdowns are unique to the individual.

I am writing this in case it resonates with any other autistic folk who perhaps have been unable to validate or recognise their meltdowns because they are internal. For those autistic folks family, friends, caregivers, to educate them that a meltdown is complex and not always clear to see. It is not always external but an internal torture that we can not always explain. That the collateral damage to the autistic nervous system and view of self is greater than you might imagine.
And for anyone who has experienced meltdowns to show love and understanding to your mindbody, if and when you can.

I'm sat writing this after a meltdown a few hours ago. It came out of the blue as I was too busy concentrating on the welfare of my children in a hellish environment, to recognise my internal sensations and the many external triggers that were impacting me. I was kept in my meltdown shame state by disapproving comments made by others. But the difference now, compared to many years ago when I didn’t know I was autistic, is that I am aware! I have to remind myself and validate myself. The comments made are not my shame, but others. The meltdown was real and it is ok I didn't recognise it. It is ok that I had a meltdown! I am aware of what my mindbody now needs to help to recover, and my husband is equally aware. I am fortunate enough that as a team we can try and work to give me some time to recover and recoup.

It's not easy. Of course it's not. It's fucking hard. But it will pass. And with continued awareness and acceptance, with genuine validation it will pass even more quickly.

And that’s the key to it all. Don’t diminish, don’t disregard, don’t push aside or push down. If everyone treated everyone with non-judgemental, authentic validation and belief the tears would become the sea, the sea would ebb and flow in rhythm to the moon, the sea would calm. No shame, just acceptance of what naturally needed to happen.

My tears are becoming a sea, M83