The Safety of Authenticity

Much of my work with clients, and indeed with myself, is about “shaking off the shame dust”.

What I mean by this, is finding your authentic self. So many of us, to varying degrees, are shrouded or cocooned in shame. Particularly the neurodivergent person whose world is so often filled with societal shame, not just parental shame. We take on this shame and hide many parts of ourselves that to others seem ‘weird’ or not socially acceptable to the social ‘norm’. Or our fawn trauma response is projecting what we think others need from us, which could be viewed as ‘challenging behaviour’. Whichever way this shame seeps in, this hiding of ourselves or pushing down our authentic responses is an unconscious act of safety. We are protecting ourselves from invalidation, oppression, and marginalisation.

For autistic people, autistic masking is an essential element of our survival. Yet, autistic masking is a trauma response, it causes us great harm. It is incredibly energy-sapping, it also over time, pushes us further and further away from our authentic selves. This causes internal conflict and can then show up as anxiety, depression and a deep sense of shame about ourselves.

Do check out more on autistic masking here - https://theautisticadvocate.com/autistic-masking/

Image description: Person in white T-shirt with black stripes, hiding behind a green fern with green trees in background.

There is a huge conflict within neurodivergent people when they start to realise the extent to which they mask. Through awareness and support, we can start to shake off that shame dust, we can become more aware of our authentic selves. We can slowly start to even accept and like our authentic selves! It feels freeing in so many ways. For me, it brought about a real sense of calm. More and more, I became conscious to the various ways I masked, which meant that I could consciously drop the mask if I felt able to. If it felt safe to do so. But consciously unmasking, in this world, is not always possible or safe.

I sometimes give myself a mental kick for masking. You see, I don’t want to mask anymore. I want to fully embrace my authentic self at all times. I want to wear my headphones, I want to stim if I need to. I want to be mute when things overwhelm me. I don’t want to put up with certain environments which are a sensory hell. I don’t want to push myself to the brink in order to follow a group conversation. Yet sadly, we don’t live in a neurocosmopolitan world of acceptance. Sometimes, I know, that showing my authentic self would be more harmful than hiding it.

Sometimes, I know I have to assimilate the neuronormative expectations of me. In this world, sometimes, it is safer to project a ‘typical’ presentation or what I think people need me to be.

For example, I have just ordered a coffee at a cafe. This is not an environment that is great for me. It’s busy, lots of conflicting noises, the lights are pretty unbearable. Many people moving about, waving hands as they talk. I hate ordering anything as I fear I will be asked a further question away from my already meticulously rehearsed script. People are standing behind me which always makes me feel incredibly self-conscious and nervous.

Now normally, I would just avoid these kinds of places anyway! Logistical circumstances this morning have meant that I have to be here. What I want to do, if I were to be my authentic self, would be to whack my headphones on with extra loud music to drown out the conflicting noises. I would probably write a note of my order and make sure I didn’t even try to look at anyone to avoid any kind of communication. I would be wearing my sunglasses with my head down. I would be actively stimming with the bit of cotton I keep in my pocket to wrap back and forth over my fingers. When I sit down, I would probably want to put my head on my knees, curl up in a ball for a while, while I climatise to my environment.

But I don’t do that. I put on my neurotypical hat (a very well-worn hat). I do my rehearsed order, even though actually I fancy something different now, and awkwardly, politely as I can, fumble through the questions, which just seem totally unnecessary as I have already said what I want and no that didn’t include cream on top! I quickly find a seat as far away from people as possible. I do now put my headphones on and I secretly stim with the piece of cotton in my pocket. Why do I do this? Why do I suppress and hide a lot of my authentic self. Because of judgement. Because actually for me, the pain and shame of judgement are too great. It feels less painful to hide and to mask, than it does to get the looks, the questions, the ignorance.

I am not saying this is any kind of correct way to respond. But it is necessary for me right now. Other people will actually find it easier to embrace their authentic needs and put up with the looks or questions. We are all different and are all surviving in different ways.

There is a difference in my response now, to years ago when I didn’t know when I was masking. The difference now is that I would have masked, just like I did today. But I would have sat feeling very anxious, I would have beaten myself up, shaming myself for not being able to cope in ordering a coffee. Through lots of therapy, self-reflection and shaking off that shame dust, I am now mostly aware of when and why I mask. The difference now is that I CHOOSE to mask. I have developed awareness and acceptance and now I feel that I have choice. I know the effect of masking has on me. I know that I will need time to recover after masking. I know that it is not my fault and I am not sat here beating myself up over it.

Don’t get me wrong. It is frustrating and it seriously annoys me that I have to mask at all. Sadly, in this world right now, it is just not safe to be my authentic self all the time.

So for those of you who are discovering, who are becoming more aware of how and why you mask. Don’t damn yourself for then masking. Remember, those unconscious masking neural pathways are well-trodden. You are literally developing new trails in your nervous system. Actual, physical connections.

You are doing an incredibly difficult thing, an almost unnatural and unpracticed thing when you unmask in environments that have previously required you to mask. This is trauma recovery. You are literally hacking out new neural pathways. Although you know they are real, authentic. It’s intensive, tiring sometimes, and not without risk.

So it is absolutely ok, more than ok, for you to mask if you need to. Those new authentic neural pathways you have hacked away at to uncover haven’t gone. You can still access them. The difference now, is that you can make a clear decision whether it is safe for you to use them. Not everyone is as aware, or indeed accepting.

Awareness gives us choice, not just acceptance.

Now, time to get out of this sensory hell of a cafe and retreat back to my cave!